Finally exams ended and ytd was chill out day tgt with bei aand his friends, mag and her friends...

everything was good until i saw a whatsapp msg from one of bei's female friend (apparently abit drunk): 
" U love her, u don't love me" or sth along this line...
(maybe it was "u don't love her, u love me") 

he then assured me that she's drunk and after replying her showed the msg to his guy friend, who laughed at the msg... but i wasn't feeling too good. I "jokingly" said, "You're dead meat!" (okay maybe I actually meant it) and he looked at me like, "HUH? Why?" She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do"
HOW APT. 

bus journey spent thinking about gpa.
school time spent thinking about fyp options.
leisure time spent thinking about reports and exams.

do i even have a time to myself? tired of all these. what's the point for all these? the degree.

it's quite sad when you find that there is no when to relate to. they don't understand me, do they? who can i turn to for advice?
it's quite sad when i think how you're partying the night away while i'm here stranded alone.
and tomorrow too.

have fun then.

 we quarreled yet again... am i in the wrong to seek understanding from him to call at night?
doesn't he know that I dislike him going to the club/pub? why???????????
i know you're trying to say that because i'm asleep, so you will not call me. 
so does it mean that in future, you will not call because chances are, I'll be asleep since you're still out late at night? 

sometimes i feel like i don't belong to your social circle anymore. ARGHHH the raging hormones are back again. :( feel like T.T again. 

 i just went to read j's blog. she told me to check out her blog to know abt her fam prob...hmmm. i read abt our clique too, kinda sad. is she talking abt me? i read s's blog, hers too. talking abt two-faced, twitter also talking abt her. are they refering to me? i don't know. am i really like that? but i don't rmb bitching abt ppl, we talk abt htht stuffs and also what the other grps were doing for stats proj...

this sem is really worrying.

 Freaky friday. 

Perhaps I shouldn't be blaming anyone else but myself...
I procrastinated on my reports and i bring trouble to myself and my friends. I am trouble. 
I was really envious of them when they had A- but i could only glance at my report and look at the pathetic grade. 

bei says I should move on and not keep harping on it. Yes i know that too. but how easy can that be? I AM TRYING. but it really doesn't help if i'm already having successive sems with lousy grades. I know it's time for CHANGE.

I'm really sorry to pull you girls down and suffer with me - s, j, ps. sorry. 

and i really hoped that you'd really understood how I felt just now. It was really painful and helpless. Sometimes I think that you reckon me as 活该. but a part of me knows you're not. but the way you're responding really chills my heart. I thought I was really sniffing hard and out of breath as i tried to speak. I think about what can happen in the following 5 years. I am terrified. Already I am not bearing my heart to my friends, my family. if i lose another avenue to pour out my troubles, I think i am really pathetic. It's kinda sad. I'd only have my poor journal here with me. 

I know you mean it when you say you love me, you care about me. but it doesn't help if it's only lip service. do you know what i really want? 
I have a feeling that you're starting to keep things from me, how you feel...etc. Is it really that hard? I have to force what you're thinking out from your mind. I think that was how you felt previously right. are we getting closer each year or are we drifting apart? I think back about what happened this year, I think about what happened in the past. You said this kind of things can't be compared. Then what?

I'm still hopeful.  

 I was jolted, unconsciously as I observed myself behaving in the exact same way that I hate to be treated. 

Life's unfair, prof said. True, very true. You're smart, you get to be in the limelight and in the hot seat. You're greatly wanted by alot of people to help their work, you're the BEST that anyone could want in their team. You're the ONE. 

The ones who are below the BEST are regarded as not on par, redundant. I realised that though I am being sacrificed, I was also sacrificing my friend who, perhaps, wanted me to acknowledge her as a teammate. It was a dilemma. 

It's really the case of meritocracy in action.
You are one of the BEST, you're wanted by many, you have a choice.
You are one of the WORST, you're rejected by many, you DON'T have a choice.

Which one do you want to be?

I waited, and waited. 
I know I shouldn't be complaining, and I don't know how much I can tolerate. 
I hope, with my heart, that I wouldn't be forgotten and you decide to part. :(
 

 never in my life have I felt so defeated before. I needed an avenue to vent my fustrations, if not I'll die of depression or some personality-disorder. At least someone who chances on this journal of mine  would be able to help me out. At least this gives a chance to talk to someone about all these things that I had never told anyone else. 

It was the first time I ever felt so depressed. I stepped into the bathroom and with the shower running, I cried in the shower. I just wished the water flowing could wash all my troubles away. I felt so terrible. I kept crying and wailing with the tap running. I couldn't really scream cos that would have gotten my neighbours attention. I hit my head, slapped my face, did everything I could with my hands to inflict pain on myself so I could WAKE UP. just short of using the shower to hit my head, that's all. 

I thought of what happened today. I failed in school. I couldn't do my stats quiz. okay, maybe only less than half of the paper itself was what I could do. I thought why am I regretting only now? Didn't I foresee it? What time could have been spent revising was spent doing nothing. I brought it upon myself. YES. YOU BROUGHT IT UPON YOURSELF. DON'T BLAME ANYONE FOR THAT. I totally felt like tearing the paper and running out from the lecture theatre. As I listened to what my friends discussed after the quiz, I felt like a total moron. 

I thought the worst was over. I wanted to meet up with you cos that would have made me feel better. But when the tuition was cancelled and I made the decision to go meet you, I sank deeper. I know I am not explicit enough and I didn't state my stand clearly, all I did was to make subtle hints. But the point where I was pushed away was the breaking point for me. I sort of felt like a *****. It seemed that I couldn't, I am at wrong, ONCE AGAIN. I didn't know what I could do. I was afraid it'll make you leave me, hate me; hence I held on. But that wasn't good enough. I tried, but apparently it made things worse. I felt so useless ever before. In school I failed at quizzes, with you I failed too. I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD MAKE THINGS WORK. EVERYTHING I DO SEEM TO BE GOING IN THE WRONG WAY. WHY? I AM SUCH A FAILURE. I screw up my studies, I screw my relationship with you. 

At home I nagged at my sis as she forgot to replace her lost skirt, I was told that I am too noisy, and to stop bugging her. 

WHY IS THE WHOLE WORLD HATING ME THAT MUCH?
I SHOULD JUST DIG A HOLE and bury myself there. 

Kinda regret what i did just now, i didn't mean it but i just can't help it...I can't seem to not have "that sian tone" cos I am really very disappointed, I wanted to see you badly but there's not a time that we could meet. I know it must have made you very very pissed off and irritated by my forever-so-listless-and-impatient tone.

Sent 3 msges over and 1 call but no response from either of them. So did you went to sleep long ago or you're pretending not to see/hear me? I really dread the other time something like this happened and we were not on talking terms for 3 days? You said you wanted to cool off because of all the stress...
And this time could very well be the repeat of the previous episode.

But how come I feel that this stress is because of me? How come I feel that you're shouldering a very heavy burden trying to entertain me and put up with my nonsensical tantrums? ARE YOU? I asked but you've denied. I really don't want it to become this way...if I am really that BURDEN, perhaps it's better to leave it on the floor and move on, I don't want you to lug the bag and keep standing at the same place over and over again.

i love you                                                                                                                     and so i want what's best for you